Dealmakers and Dealbreakers

Today I'm gonna talk about deal makers and deal breakers. These are things to consider before you meet the person before you make a date, particularly if you are online dating. If you're meeting them in person, you'll probably get an idea and the feel of them first. Unless of course it's a blind date set up by somebody else, but if it is set up by someone else, then you'll know that they think this person is a good enough person for you and might be a good match.  


If it's a blind date, you need to do a little bit of homework. If you can completely blind date <laugh>, yes, um, but if you're online, you get a chance to get to know the person through conversation. Uh, texting is just what we do these days, but it can be open to misinterpretation. So really if you can get to talk to the person on the phone, but there's a lot you can tell right at the beginning, like, do they respond to you in a reasonable length of time? Are they respectful in their rep replies? Are they considerate in their replies? Are they thoughtful? Are they the sort of person you want to be with? You know, if you get somebody who just gives you, I don't know, one syllable answers, then they're probably not making much of an effort and are they worth yours?  


 So really go back to the intention that you've set for yourself and the vision you've created. We did this in the desire course that I've been going through in the lives. Um, so d is for really defining what you want and e is for being exact and creating your vision of them. So you really want to create the intention like it's April, 2024 and I am in the best, most beautiful, loving, reciprocally, affectionate and sexual romantic relationship of my life. That's quite long, but it's something you can more or less remember. So that's what you hold as your north star. Is this person going to take me there or are they playing games? Are they just not right for me? So here are some of the things that can be useful to consider or made a list. Firstly, are they well mannered, considerate, and respectful? Do you get a sense of their trustworthiness in the way that they write to you or they they talk to you? Are they responsive and reliable? Do they text you or contact you when they've said they will? And if they don't, have they got a good reason and do they apologize?  


Can you sense the warmth, the friendliness, the honesty, the kindness, the humorous, the that, the the real quality of who they are? Can you get a sense of that before you even get in the room with them? Can you get a feel for their emotional intelligence? That means that they'll be considerate of your feelings and likely be aware of how their words and behaviour might affect you. Or they may notice a quality in your text or in your voice if you're talking on the phone and follow up. Do they ask about you? Are they interested in you or do they just want to tell you all about them? Now, if you are a woman looking for a man, the chances are they will want to tell you all about them because they're trying to impress you. So give them a little leeway on that, but raise it. You know, shall I tell you a little bit about me? And if he turns the conversation back to him again, that might be a bit of a red flag. But if he says, yes, yes, I've gone on, please tell me about you. Tell me more about you. I want to know who you are, then that's a really good sign.  


That thing about being able to apologize is really key. It's quite often very difficult for people to acknowledge they've done something wrong and apologize. It it, it takes some humility and it takes some grownup-ness. But if they can apologize, they can take responsibility for if they've let you down or kept you waiting over overly long. That's really important to hear.  


 And the converse is true, you don't wanna be apologizing all the time. If they're asking you to be apologetic for something that's not a good sign. Maybe once you know, they could say You've kept me waiting a really long time and I was getting hurt and upset, then you apologize. But if it's, where the hell were you? Mm, red flag, can they see their influence on what happens in their lives? Are they a victim of their lives? Do they feel to you like they've got some autonomy and choice? Or are they just a succumbing to the slings of arrows, slings and arrows of outrageous fortune? You want somebody with some dynamism, somebody who can be powerful in the world. It's made me laugh cuz a friend of mine once said, yeah, women want a man with a bit of gumption and he's right, he's right. The piece we talked about last week is about do they share your values? Do they want similar things in life? Do they actually want a relationship? A lot of people will say, let's wait and see. And they're more likely to be somebody who's looking for a relationship than then Somebody says, no, I'm not. They're very definitely not. Um, but sometimes there's a quirk. People say they're looking for a relationship, but they want to keep it just on text. They don't want to meet up, they don't want to develop anything more. There's a sense of, uh, avoidance. And they'll, they'll keep you at arm's length or keep you waiting because they think they want a relationship, but really they're too scared or not capable of having one.  


Another one is, do they have a healthy lifestyle? You know, healthy enough? I mean, have they got any active addictions that you can see? Do they go out and get drunk on a Saturday night, every Saturday night? And is there Sunday lost to them? Do they drink every night of the week? It may matter to you if they smoke or not. If you're looking for a long term relationship, you want somebody who's reasonably healthy who takes care of themselves.  


 And do they feel equal to you? It's important, you know, different qualities or important, maybe they need to be equally educated or equally intelligent. That can be important. Equally sporty, equally cultured, equally interested in the, the earth and gardening. You know, these are things that are all things that matter to me. So they're ones that come to my mind immediately. And the other one for me is, can they cook <laugh>? Yes, my lovely man can cook. It's really great. And the last two I think are really significant. Are they really available? By that I mean, are they ready to have a relationship? Are they open to you? Have they got time for you? Have they got the space in their life for you? And are they accessible? Are they reasonably close by? I wouldn't rule out completely long distance relationships, but sometimes you have more of a relationship with your car or public transport or an airplane and it can be, uh, a signal too that the person is chasing you from so far away that they might be a bit avoidant, long distances, the safest they can manage. So all of these things I guess you need to just question yourself about too.  


So let's look at it from the other side, the deal breakers.  

So that these for me are that they're unreliable, disrespectful, that they cross boundaries, that they go into flirtatious sexy text or conversation on the phone before you've even met them. And just assuming, um, taking center stage and objectifying you, will you play that game with them? And you know, when you've known each other a while, that can be a lovely thing, a really lovely thing. When you're apart to talk on the phone in a flirtatious way, it can be delightful, but not before you've met that, that's not respecting you as a, a person, as a woman. Do they behave suspiciously, give you the feel that they want to have power over you rather than power with you? You get that feeling of game playing. They might tell you that you are wrong about a lot of things. They might assume, um, a superiority or keep aloof. Um, what's that phrase? Treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen. You don't want to have anything to do with that. The deal breaker number three is they don't respond when they say they're going to and disregard how that might affect you. They, they feel cold a bit disinterested, not really that friendly. You get a feeling that they're not being honest and you don't feel that they're being kind. And one way of assessing too, you know what, what their quality of their relationships is, is the quality of their friendships. So ask about friends, ask about family. What are their relationships like with them?  


You wanna be looking for emotional intelligence. If they, if they don't demonstrate that, if they don't consider your feelings and they lack awareness of their behaviour on you or anybody else in their life, then they're really not for you. If they're not able to apologize if they've let you down or kept you waiting, that's a red flag. If they really are in victimhood that the world or their ex is out to get them, if they, if they don't hold out a job and it's always hold down a job and it's always the other person's fault, then that's a red flag. If they have active addictions and don't have a sense of living healthily or a clear intention to live a bit more healthily, don't get me wrong, I'm no puritan. I like a glass of wine like the next woman. But if, if it's a compulsive habit, you need to watch out. If it's a regular habit, you need to watch out. Cuz if they're doing that when they're 30, 40, 50, are they gonna last until they're 60, 70, 80? And if they do, would you wanna be with them? <laugh>, look at their values. They may want different things from life and their relationship, you know, if they want an occasional date. So sort of serial dating rather than true deep relationship, they're not the one for you unless that's what you want to.  


 If your values are freedom and adventure and commitment and there's our, I want to stay at home and do the same things every week for the rest of my life. Um, but I want to see other people too, that's not gonna be a fit for you. Think about those values. Think about what's important to you first off, and see if they match. And if they don't, don't waste your time.  


I think I've covered the piece about inferiority and superiority. You don't wanna be with anybody who considers themselves better than you talking down to you. It may trigger your own core beliefs. You know, your fears about not being good enough. Don't worry about that. If they're having to oppress you in some way to make themselves feel superior, they're really not worth your time, cuz that won't end well. And don't either go for somebody so much, not your equal. You need somebody who can meet you where you are, at least otherwise you're going to feel you're gonna rescue them. Look after them, you know, be, become the person that wears the trousers in relationships.  


 I can remember one woman years ago said to me that when her partner moved into her house, he'd put on his nappies. And I thought that was such, um, a shocking thing to say. But what she meant was that she, she didn't give him any room to be the man and he just gave up any sense of responsibility. We teased out the talking and the talking afterwards and that's what she meant. That the two of them had colluded together. For him to be helpless and her to be all powerful and neither liked it, it really didn't work well. So equality, respect, generosity in an equal measure and being reasonably close by so it's not a big hassle or even a drama to get to see them. So you don't have to spend your life on trains, in the car, on buses, on planes, on boats, whatever it is. You know, that might be nice occasionally, but not as a routine way of being. It's not gonna last.  


So write it all down. What's good for you and what's not good for you. It's really easier if you've got it defined in black and white. But bear in mind, this isn't an all inclusive list. You're gonna listen to your own feelings and your instincts as well. You know, if your gut tightens not with joy when you are gonna see them, you don't want to be with them. If you've got times with fear or anxiety or if they're so attractive that you are beside yourself, you don't wanna be with them, cuz the chances are you'll stop being you and that that's not a good sign, that's a deal breaker because you get to be inferior and clinging. No good, no good. If the attraction is equal, explore it. But wait until you really know each other, because it could be one of those attractions that is from an early part of you and underdeveloped part of you that just wants to clinging. And if you move in really quickly, chances are you can move out really quickly. So go slowly, make that container of trust, make that container and respect before you deeply engage. You want somebody who nurses your heart, loves your heart, cherishes you, who makes you feel excited, warm, calm, and safe and happy and excited to see them because you feel good when you're with them, not for any other reason.  


So if you want to know more, contact me at heather@heathergarbutt.com. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life. I'd like to know what has been your biggest takeaway from this conversation. Do take a minute and share this with us and visit us on our Facebook page. If you can think of someone who will benefit from listening to this podcast, please do share it with them. If you have any feedback on how I can improve it, please do reach out to me as I'm always keen to learn more. 

Thank you so much again for listening, and we'll meet again on the next episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.