What if the way we pursue love has been shaped more by cultural scripts than by science? In this episode of Passion Struck, John R. Miles sits down with Paul Eastwick to explore how attraction really works and why lasting connection grows through bonding, emotional safety, and shared experience rather than performance or ranking. Drawing from his groundbreaking research and his book Bonded by Evolution, Paul invites us into the deeper architecture of attachment, revealing how modern dating environments influence our choices and how relational capacity develops over time. Paul also co-hosts the podcast Love Factually with fellow relationship scientist Eli Finkel, who joined us previously on Passion Struck Episode 629. Together, their work forms a powerful bridge between rigorous relationship science and the everyday realities of love, commitment, and connection.
Bonded by Evolution: The Science of Attraction Revisited
For decades, cultural narratives have framed attraction as a process of evaluation, as though we are scanning for fixed traits that signal long-term compatibility. Paul’s research in relationship science paints a far richer picture. Attraction emerges in context, shaped by interaction, emotional responsiveness, and the gradual formation of attachment bonds. When two people begin spending time together, their preferences adapt in response to lived experience. Emotional investment reshapes perception. Shared vulnerability strengthens desire. Rather than being predetermined, connection unfolds through dynamic engagement, revealing that the science of attraction is fundamentally about bonding over time.
Dating Apps Problems: From Mating Markets to Secure Attachment
Compatibility Is Built, Not Discovered
Many daters approach relationships as if compatibility must be discovered early and efficiently. This mindset often leads to screening behaviors that prioritize checklists over curiosity. Paul introduces research that reframes compatibility as something built through collaboration and emotional attunement. Long-term relationships thrive when partners co-create meaning, develop shared rituals, and offer each other both a safe haven and a secure base. These attachment dynamics foster stability, growth, and resilience. Instead of searching for perfection, couples cultivate alignment through responsiveness and mutual investment. Modern dating apps have intensified the sense of participating in a mating market where comparison, visibility, and perceived reputation shape the experience of connection. Profiles function as curated identities, and first impressions often carry disproportionate influence, encouraging users to evaluate quickly rather than engage deeply. These dating apps problems extend beyond fatigue or choice overload and begin to influence how individuals interpret attraction itself. Paul Eastwick explains that when romantic interaction is framed primarily as evaluation, people can become more attuned to status signals and surface traits than to emotional responsiveness. This mindset subtly shifts attention away from the conditions that foster secure attachment. 
Relationship science consistently shows that enduring bonds form when partners experience one another as a safe haven and secure base, offering warmth, reliability, and steady care. Over time, these patterns of responsiveness cultivate trust, deepen intimacy, and elevate relational satisfaction, illustrating how attachment transforms attraction into lasting connection.

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